Everyday we continue to teach our daughter manners, respect, how to share, love, and many other important values. Each day something new happens or she tests us in a way that we have to follow through on what we say. As hard as it is we have to do it. Two things have happened this week that have tested us on our calmness, sternness and on supporting each other.
When both Dad and I are home we often put baby A to bed together. We go to her bedroom, read books, calm down, change diaper, put pj's on, drink milk, brush teeth, sing her a lullaby and put her down. We love this routine and ritual. It is so calming for her and by the time we walk out of her room she is ready to go to bed.
As we were hanging out in the bed room sitting on the floor with Baby A standing between us, she decided to hit me. So I said our usual, "Bummer, 1 minute time out and picked her up and put her in the hall facing the wall." After one minute I said, "Time out is over I love you." In she walked with a somewhat mischevious smile on her face. She came and stood right b/w dad and I, facing Daddy. Now Daddy asked her to do something, I can't remember what it was, but it made her unhappy. She decided to bring her right arm back and slap him across the face. I'm not talking about a little, soft slap. I'm talking about the slap across the face you see on soap operas. I went, "uh" and Daddy stayed calm and said, "Time out, go in the hall." As soon as she was out of sight, he started into a silent laugh and I turned my head into the closet and laughed hysterically, but silently into my arm. Of course we don't want her to hear or see us laughing because that would be very encouraging for her. We had 1 min. to get our laughs out. When T.O. was over, she came in with a somewhat similar smile as before but laid on the floor waiting for her diaper change. Of course Daddy did say, "I love you." I guess those two time outs told her that she can't get away with hitting people. The rest of our bedtime routine went without a hitch.
Last night we were having dinner outside on the deck. You couldn't have asked for a more perfect evening. The weather was amazing, no wind, homemade stir fry, we had played outside all day and now we were enjoying each others company for dinner. Once Daddy and I were done with dinner we were just hanging out at the table as Baby A continued to eat. There were some things in the stir fry she didn't like, like those little corns. So if she got them in her mouth she would spit them in her hand and we would tell her to put it on her plate. Well, after a few times of this she decided to take some and drop it on the ground. She did this after I said, "You don't have to eat that, just put it on your plate." So I had to act fast and say, "bummer, we don't drop our food on the floor, dinner is over." I stood up and took her plate inside. This caused a raucous. She was super sad. She kept crying and saying, "My food, my dinner time." I so bad wanted to give it back to her because she rarely throws food on the floor and if she drops it in an accident I wouldn't take the plate. But this clearly wasn't an accident. She has to learn that we don't throw our food on the floor. So I let her cry. Daddy missed the whole thing so was unsure of what happened. As she continued to cry Daddy asked, "Did you throw your food on the ground." She said, "Yes." At least she admits it. Well after about 5 min. I was able to get her out of her seat and get ready to head up stairs. She saw a banana on the counter and started to stay, "My mana." So dad was all for giving her this, I wasn't. His concern was he didn't want her to go to bed hungry. I felt it was o.k. b/c she still had milk to eat and she did eat a lot of her dinner. As soon as she got the banana she was done crying.
What will the consequence of this be for us? I guess time will tell.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Time Out or A Different Consequence?
This past week we went to a friend's cabin up in the Black Hills of SD. It was about a 6 1/2 hour drive. Baby A was great. We arrived at 5pm. It was enough time to have a good dinner, get her some exercise and get her to bed.
The following day we had breakfast and then went driving around. We ended up in a small town that is about 30 min. from the cabin. By the time we arrived it was 12. I was hoping we would get back by 1 for nap but it didn't seem like it as we needed to eat lunch and there was a fish hatchery down the street we wanted to take Baby A to feed the fish. By the time we got back to the cabin it was 2. An hour late. Yes it bothers me a bit, but we were on vacation so I could deal with an hour late. She didn't sleep as long as she normally does, probably because we were somewhere else that was new and exciting. Once she got up it was pretty late so we hung around the cabin. I went on a mountain bike ride and Baby A got to ride her bike around the cabin with her dad and friend. Dad fed her dinner. I returned at 7. It was time to get her ready for bed. Baby A and friend were playing peek-a-boo. She was having a blast, belly laughing like you couldn't believe. When we went down stairs to get ready for bed she was calming down. Then it happened....
I laid her on the bed to change her diaper and she hit me. So I said, "Bummer, time out" I put her against the wall for 1 min. Then I said, "Time out is over. I love you." So I resumed in trying to change her diaper again and she hit me again. Deja Vu. Time out again. After the third time I started to get a bit frustrated. I had to decide, will I keep putting her in time out b/c that is her consequence, which could mean getting ready for bed could take a long time. Or do I do something else. On the spur of the moment I decided to skip time out and I said, If you keep hitting me we will go straight to bed without ready books. She kept hitting me so I quickly finished changing her, put her pj's on, and put her in her crib. I said, "I love you. Goodnight." Then it hit her. I watched her mouth turn down, open wide and start to cry saying, "Books." I reiterated, "I am sorry honey, I love you but you chose to keep hitting me so you have to go straight to bed without ready books." Then I left. Boy did she cry. I walked upstairs and looked at my friend. I wasn't sure what to do. I don't want to take books away from her but at the time Time Out wasn't working. After a bit I went back down b/c she was still crying, hard and when I opened the door, she said, "Books," through her tears. I repeated again what had happened, told her I loved her and it was time for bed. Then I went back up stairs. I proceeded to go back one more time but couldn't calm her down. I know if I took just one book out that would do it, but if I did it...she would start to think she was in charge. She needs to learn there are consequences other than Time Out and some will be very sad.
Around 8:30pm her father came home and heard her crying. I quickly explained the situation and he said, "I'll go down, is there anything you want me to do." I said, "Just don't read her a book."
A few minutes later he came up and all was quiet. I wondered, "Did he read a book?" Then I realized that we are both on the same page and we don't contradict each other. He ended up picking her up for a few minutes to hug and rock her.
Did this consequence work? Is she still hitting me? Yes, every now and then and she goes into time out but she hasn't hit me while we have been getting ready for bed. I think she likes her books too much!
The following day we had breakfast and then went driving around. We ended up in a small town that is about 30 min. from the cabin. By the time we arrived it was 12. I was hoping we would get back by 1 for nap but it didn't seem like it as we needed to eat lunch and there was a fish hatchery down the street we wanted to take Baby A to feed the fish. By the time we got back to the cabin it was 2. An hour late. Yes it bothers me a bit, but we were on vacation so I could deal with an hour late. She didn't sleep as long as she normally does, probably because we were somewhere else that was new and exciting. Once she got up it was pretty late so we hung around the cabin. I went on a mountain bike ride and Baby A got to ride her bike around the cabin with her dad and friend. Dad fed her dinner. I returned at 7. It was time to get her ready for bed. Baby A and friend were playing peek-a-boo. She was having a blast, belly laughing like you couldn't believe. When we went down stairs to get ready for bed she was calming down. Then it happened....
I laid her on the bed to change her diaper and she hit me. So I said, "Bummer, time out" I put her against the wall for 1 min. Then I said, "Time out is over. I love you." So I resumed in trying to change her diaper again and she hit me again. Deja Vu. Time out again. After the third time I started to get a bit frustrated. I had to decide, will I keep putting her in time out b/c that is her consequence, which could mean getting ready for bed could take a long time. Or do I do something else. On the spur of the moment I decided to skip time out and I said, If you keep hitting me we will go straight to bed without ready books. She kept hitting me so I quickly finished changing her, put her pj's on, and put her in her crib. I said, "I love you. Goodnight." Then it hit her. I watched her mouth turn down, open wide and start to cry saying, "Books." I reiterated, "I am sorry honey, I love you but you chose to keep hitting me so you have to go straight to bed without ready books." Then I left. Boy did she cry. I walked upstairs and looked at my friend. I wasn't sure what to do. I don't want to take books away from her but at the time Time Out wasn't working. After a bit I went back down b/c she was still crying, hard and when I opened the door, she said, "Books," through her tears. I repeated again what had happened, told her I loved her and it was time for bed. Then I went back up stairs. I proceeded to go back one more time but couldn't calm her down. I know if I took just one book out that would do it, but if I did it...she would start to think she was in charge. She needs to learn there are consequences other than Time Out and some will be very sad.
Around 8:30pm her father came home and heard her crying. I quickly explained the situation and he said, "I'll go down, is there anything you want me to do." I said, "Just don't read her a book."
A few minutes later he came up and all was quiet. I wondered, "Did he read a book?" Then I realized that we are both on the same page and we don't contradict each other. He ended up picking her up for a few minutes to hug and rock her.
Did this consequence work? Is she still hitting me? Yes, every now and then and she goes into time out but she hasn't hit me while we have been getting ready for bed. I think she likes her books too much!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Time Outs
We are definitely in the stage of Time Out. We started it a while back when Baby A would hit me, not dad because she never hit him, just me. Well, yesterday...was a full blown time out day. We probably had 5 time outs within the first hour of our morning. So of course it makes me wonder...does it work? We follow the Love and Logic advice on time outs. When Baby A does something, in this case, we say "Bummer! Time Out for 1 minute." We sit her by the stairs facing the wall and don't pay attention to her for 1 min. Then when it is over we say, "Time out is over! I love you!" She usually says, "No Hit". It is suggested not to react much, but when it happens over and over again in a short amount of time, it is hard not to react. My doctor suggested that if she hits, be stern and say, "No Hitting! You need to go to Time Out." So I have tried both. It probably isn't good to be a bit inconsistent with the reaction. I like the bummer idea but wonder if she needs something a bit more stern so she knows it is wrong. On the other hand, I wonder if being more stern shows her she is getting a reaction out of me so she will do it again. Today she was with Dad for the morning. She only had two time outs. Yes, she is hitting him now too. I think she is getting really smart and testing more and more.
So as I sit and wonder if it works, I do believe it does, I just wonder if she is hitting more to see if we keep putting her in time out. If she thinks she will break us down...she is wrong. She will keep going to time out. I am predicting that eventually she will get bored of going to time out and it will subside a bit. I look forward to that day. In the mean time, I am going back to my Love and Logic Books and reading the chapter about 2 year olds and logical discipline. I am grateful for this book!
So as I sit and wonder if it works, I do believe it does, I just wonder if she is hitting more to see if we keep putting her in time out. If she thinks she will break us down...she is wrong. She will keep going to time out. I am predicting that eventually she will get bored of going to time out and it will subside a bit. I look forward to that day. In the mean time, I am going back to my Love and Logic Books and reading the chapter about 2 year olds and logical discipline. I am grateful for this book!
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